Things My Stupid Colleague Says

Why the Blog Ended....

2009-08-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hi. I thought it rather rude to at least not say goodbye. As you may have gathered from the sudden ending to the postings. Susan, myself and others were all made redundant in 2007. Thus we all went our seperate ways. I have been meaning to organise some sort of get together with my old colleagues. Yes. I'm totally going to do it and I'll see if Susan has been sharing her gift with others in the two years since....

Needless to say I'll report back if anything happens. Until then. Goodbye and thanks for listening.

Mass Stupidity Part 2

2007-10-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

Susan is going on holiday, but wants to keep her luggage as light as possible. Don't worry she's had an idea:

"How can I fold my clothes to make them weigh less?"

Unfortunately the answer is in two stages, the first of which is "re-write the laws of physics", so it could be difficult.

This is a return to a similar situation here- http://stupidcolleague.blogspot.com/2006/05/mass-stupidity.html

Damn Your Eyes!

2007-07-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

Today Susan complained that her eyes were hot. I don't even know how that feels. Who the hell gets hot eyes?

Detective Susan Poirot

2007-07-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

Background: Today everyone in the office ate fish and chips for lunch including Susan. Actually I didn't eat fish and chips- instead my dinner was a salmon pate sandwich.

Susan couldn't finish hers so she left the remaining cod wrapped in the paper that it was served in, and left it on her desk.

The Time: 1500 hours

The Place: sitting at her desk

The Comment: (smelling the air) "has someone been eating fish?"

I'll understand if you don't believe me on this one, but I assure you it is utterly true. The only way that question could have been any more absurd is if the fish was stapled to her face. And she was a fish herself.

I'm Back...but not for long!

2007-07-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I had things to do. It's not you, it's me, I just wasn't ready for the commitment and I felt you should see other blogs. I'm back now and I have various bits of news for you. Firstly I've been collating Susan stories in my absence so we still have something to talk about. Secondly I've just found out that I'm being made redundant. Don't worry it's alright- I'll be OK. There'll be other jobs and maybe I'll be lucky enough to end up working with someone as excruciatingly thick as Susan. But don't count on it. Whilst there are other Susans, there is only one who reaches the dizzy heights of our protagonist of preposterousness.

Watch this space No, not that one- it's a figure of speech you pseudo Susan. You Pseusan! Watch the bit above this post, where currently there isn't another post but where one will appear shortly with the final instalments of our story.*

*= if you're reading this too late and there already is a post above it, just humour me- this all made sense at the time.

Widescreen Edition

2006-11-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a while but today we had a beauty! Susan was at a friend's house at the weekend watching a very small TV. Unbeknownst to our heroine, the TV was on some kind of zoom facility. Now I didn't realise TVs had some kind of zoom affair but I'd like to think that if I watching a film already knew and I noticed there was a large part of the screen I wouldn't express surprise with the words

"I never realised that on a smaller television they don't show all the picture".

Yep she thought she couldn't see the whole scene because the television was too small.

*= in case you were wondering Susan small TV owning friend also works with me as well thus why I was able to confirm the zoom thing.

Second Hand Smoke

2006-10-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

Susan doesn't like smoking. In fact there's a guy who works with us and if he pops outside for a swift one, when he comes back in the office she starts having a coughing fit.

Because of the stale smoke on him.

He seems to respond to this with a mixture of gentle sarcasm and ignoring her, rather than the more obvious solution of setting fire to her. She reaching new heights with her sensitivity to smell the other day. She opened an envelope at work and starting coughing because the paperwork inside smelt of smoke. Jesus.

Submit your Susans

2006-09-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have started a new site dedicate to any Susans you know, or just to a single Susan-esque comment if you have one. Please visit World of Susans. There's a link on your right...

The Beginning of the End

2006-09-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

I guess the time is approaching to admit defeat. I'm fighting a losing battle- she doesn't seem to be giving me any comedy gold. Today she even used the word 'ironically'. In the correct context. I don't know if I turn this around, people. I'll try. For you.

I've not forgotten you

2006-08-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been quiet around these parts. Susan has been on holiday. Hopefully upon her return she'll have picked up some more stupidity.

Meat

2006-08-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

We all went out for a meal. The finance guy was eating his dinner. Susan asked him what he was eating. To which he replied that he was eating veal.

She then asked if it was vegetarian.

Unlike A Virgin

2006-08-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

Susan calls herself a "born-again virgin". What the fuck is that about?

More Potato Related Stuff

2006-08-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

So Nick is going out to the shops again for lunch, and asks if anyone would like anything. Fortunately Susan does not request anything inappropriate this time, and asks instead for a packet of Salt and Vinegar Walkers crisps, and gives him the money.

Lo and behold fifteen minutes lates Nick returns. Susan is on the phone but sees him enter. Nick then drops packet of Salt and Vinegar Walkers crisps on her desk.

Cause/Effect- you can see what happened there.

But this transaction must have somehow been unclear since five minutes later, Susan called Nick to ask him if these crisps on her desk were hers, and whether he'd bought them. He should have said no. I'd love to know what her alternative exclamation would have been.

I'm working on my own with her next week. If anyone has any suggestions or questions for me to put to her, please let me know.

Hot Potatoes

2006-07-23T13:37:00.001-07:00

I don't know why we were talking about sweet potatoes- we just were. Maybe in everyone's life the subject of sweet potatoes comes up once- I just don't have the information you need. You look to me for the answers to these big questions but I'm afraid I just can't deliver, all I can do is tell you what Susan says, and then hopefully we can all learn something and the world will be that much closer to a state of blissful harmony.

So this week's piece of idiocy defended with an almost admirable commitment to wrongness, was

"Sweet Potatoes aren't vegetables".

This in itself is just a simple incorrect statement, curable when countered with a subtle mixture of two special ingredients- 1) the truth, and 2) the slightly nauseating intellectual snobbery that comes effortless pouring out of me and which, incidentally, I'm not proud of.

"No, really Susan- it's a root vegetable, it might be a tuber", I countered. Now the truth is I haven't got a bastard idea what a tuber is and I was almost cetainly wrong, but I know a vegetable when I see one.

"It's not a vegetable, I saw it on something".

Clearly this would be more difficult than I anticipated, someone had clearly got to her with some nonsense first, much like they did with the whole creationism thing (see April 2006). Maybe Susan is just a pawn being played backwards and forwards between me and some unknown malevolent demon of stupid.

She was very insistent in much the same way that you would be if you were sure you were right.The brilliant twist being that she wasn't right. "what is it then?" I enquired.

"I don't know but it's definitely not a vegetable"

And that, as it so often is, was the ending. No moment of realisation, no glorious victory- just two people getting on with their work, unchanged in their opinion. If only all unexciting throwaway conversations had a smart-assed narrator.

The Tanning Question

2006-07-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

As those of you in the UK are aware, we've just had the hottest weekend of the year so far. Upon seeing Nick (IT guy) sporting the tan that he'd gained, Susan asked..

"Have you been using that self-tanning cream?"

How do you answer that without patronising the questioner? Evidently Nick wasn't concerned with tact and gave an response that included the phrase "big fuck-off fiery ball".

The Answer...

2006-07-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

I suffer the arrows of stupidity, and selflessly scribe my tales and all you lot seem to be interested in is the poxy logic puzzle I mentioned last time.

The answer is...
you turn two of the lights one, and then after five minutes you turn one off. Then you walk in the room, and you can figure out which switch works each light by seeing which is on, which is off, and which is off but with a warn bulb.

The puzzle is bollocks, there is no indication that you can reach the light bulbs for starters. For some brilliant answers to stupid logic problems go to http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/lateral.htm

Frankly he's far funnier than me. But come back, don't be fickle now...

The Lights are on but...

2006-07-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Nick (chap in IT) sent us all a logic problem on email the other day-

Inside a windowless room, there are 3 electric lights. Each light bulb is turned on by its own switch and the 3 switches are located out of sight of the room, in the corridor.
The only way of telling which switch operates which bulb is to go into the room.
However, for the purpose of this puzzle you are only allowed to enter the room once, although you may operate all 3 switches.
How can you discover which switch turns on which bulb?

Did you get that? Good. Now I didn't know the answer, I'll freely admit. Susan did. The answer according to Susan...

"The right one"

I'm sorry, the right one? Unfortunately I couldn't get her to explain her wisdom, as she quickly distanced herself from her original answer. She then asked...

"Are there any switches upstairs?"

Even as I write this, I'm questioning whether I actually heard that question, but I did. I don't know where she was going with it. She seems to be getting better at spotting my reaction to things, and she must have figured out that she was wrong from my look of incredulity.

A Withdrawal Request in Anticipation of the Monthly Statement

2006-06-26T06:04:00.000-07:00

Hello followers of the Cult of Susan. Today's lesson from the Book of Stupid is a tale not so much of lack of intelligence, but of ignorance of social etiquette. This parable of preposterousness harks back to when Susan had only been working here for a few weeks (please remember this fact, as it will add to your appreciation of situation described). A chap from our IT department was popping out to the shops to pick up a sandwich. For the purpose of this story we shall call him Nick. Since I'm making up names I could go crazy and call him Theodore Jacuzzi or something similarly ridiculous but I feel it would fail to suspend your disbelief, so Nick it is.

Nick kindly asked us if we would like anything from the shops since he was going anyway. After taking a few orders for sandwiches of various types, he came to Susan. Susan had brought her lunch with her so she was fine, but there was something she needed from the shops:

"Yes, can you get me a box of tampax classics please?"

Now I'm a man of the 21st century. I don't believe menstuation is God's punishment for the sins of Eve and I know we should be at a stage in mankind's social development where there's nothing embarrassing about that time of the month when ladies are closed for maintenance. But asking someone in the IT department to pickup tampons- that is weird, isn't it?

The Cold War

2006-06-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

As I've gone to great pains to tell you- Susan is annoying as well as stupid. Last week we had, what was at that point, the hottest day of the year. Have you ever worked in an office with no air conditioning? To be fair you don't need to have undergone the trama in all it's sweat-stained glory to understand the experience.

Suddenly I notice it's getting hotter at a frighteningly exponential rate. The windows are closed, but that doesn't quite explain. Wait a bastard minute, the fucking fan heater's switched on. Naturally, for a warm-blooded creature, I turn it off.

"Don't do that I'm freezing" she said.

"What? That's absurd. It's steaming hot in here" I explained.
My other colleague concurred by sweating profusely.

At this point an argument broke out that involved thermometers, swearing, and the managing director coming downstairs to explain to Susan that if she was cold, then she was possibly ill and to seek immediate medical attention. Or shut the fuck up. Incidentally I'm paraphrasing. This ridiculous scene ended in Susan wearing the jumpers of various people.

The next day the temperature was exactly the same. Susan wasn't cold.
The only conclusion I can come to is that her brain is so useless it can't even interpret the messages sent to it by her senses, and she mistakes heat for cold.

Another One-Liner

2006-06-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

Susan, upon listening to a welsh-language answer phone message:

"Do they have own language in Swansea or something?"

She's Evolving...

2006-06-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

I think she's starting to figure it out when she's saying something stupid. I'm sure I just came within a hair's breadth of her admitting that she thought that there was dolphin meat in a can of tuna. Her behaviour afterwards suggested she knew I was prying and she quickly withdrew the comment.

I think we may be witnessing an important step in her evolution- self-awareness. Even if it's only self-awarenesss of how dim she is.

Got Milk?

2006-06-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

I know I said that I wouldn't get involved in entrapment, but sometimes I think Susan needs some inspiration and I'm happy for history to judge me as her muse as she achieves immortality. To that end I've been stupid-fishing. The other day as I was making my coffee, I started pondering the subject of long-life milk and what they do to extend milk's famously ephemeral existence. Some of you may already know why and think I'm stupid for not knowing*. Perhaps you can start a website mocking me? Anyway, I thought I would put my question to the oracle, and as i was bringing the tea and coffee in I asked if anyone knew. Susan did.

Apparently the reason long-life milk is so, is because...

"it's to do with the carton"

Brilliant. Of Course it is. Please explain, Susan

"well, you know how cereal is kept fresh in the box, it's the same with milk"

What Susan is saying is that the carton being sealed is what stops it from going off. I don't know whether she thinks that other milk cartons have holes in. Sometimes I can't hope to understand, and all I can do is document.

*for those who also don't know- long-life milk is, as I'm sure you're aware, also known as UHT milk, UHT standing for Ultra-High Temperature. They heat the milk up to a very high temperature over a short period of time (1-2 seconds) thus killing some of the thermoresistant spores that pasteurisation doesn't. It's then placed in sterilised cartons. So I guess it is to do with the carton. Shit.

A One Liner

2006-05-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

100% genuine comment made last week

"Houston, we have a problem? Why is it always Houston? Why isn't it ever anyone else?"

An Immaculate Perception

2006-05-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

I know that I usually set the scene for these stories with a brief introductory paragraph about the conversation that inspired Susan's particular piece of wisdom, but I haven't got a clue what brought forth today's gem from the deliverer of alternative intellect. So let's cut straight to Susan...

"Do you need more than one horse to make another one?"

Yes, you did read that right. That was Susan asking me what the facts of life are. I know what you're all thinking- what you're willing me to do. Shame on you. I like a practical joke, but not even I've got the bollocks to mess with someone's head that much. I told her the truth. Sorry, I know, I'm the best friend someone could have. If you discount the website dedicated to her stupidity. However, I did ask her why she might have thought that.

"Because I've got a friend and her horse is pregnant and no other horse has been near it."

As you students of Susan will be aware, this is textbook Susan. Faced with the mystery of how the horse got pregnant- rather than consider how she may have come into contact with another horse, Susan's mind has had to seek affirmation that horses must mate to create a new life.

And this is why we love her.

A Short Tale

2006-05-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Hello eager awaiters of all things Susan. I'm afraid I only have a short story today- let's face facts I've been spoiling you recently anyway. Susan may be an idiot but she doesn't make a priceless contributions to my life like envelope-gate every day.

We were taking about 4 wheel drive vehicles in the office. I'm not sure why, I'm not particularly excited by cars so I suspect an office alpha-male must have started the topic. Anyway, I'm rambling- the point is that there was a conversation afoot about 4 wheel drive. Susan's contribution was:

"why is it called 4 wheel drive, don't all cars have four wheels?"

A perfectly valid question of course. For a nine year old.

I'll be back next week and I promise something more substantial. Until then, I have some homework for you: some of you have suggested that you know a Susan yourself. In order to distract us from the terrifying prospect of a world filled with Susans, I'd like you to give some thought as to what the collective noun for Susans would be. A wrong of Susans perhaps? A condition of Susans? I'm sure you can do better. Fairwell.

PS Some of you have emailed me. Thank you very much! I'm not ignoring you and I will reply.

Mass Stupidity

2006-05-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Susan and I work in an office, as you know. Everyday we send out dozens of sets of documents. I could tell you what the documents are but your life would be no richer for this explanation. In fact, a sense of melancholy would cloud your hitherto sunny disposition, and I want my blog to be an uplifting experience for all concerned. Except for me of course- my suffering is, sadly, necessary for your pleasure. The only important thing to know is that the documents are the same everytime and are sent out in A4 envelopes.

On the day in question we had run out of A4 envelopes. This in itself would have certainly passed for an event, and even without the Susan-related developments we would have had lunchtime conversations for years to come that started with the phrase "do you remember the day we ran out of A4 envelopes?". But without our heroine's input, it probably wouldn't have made it to the heady heights of 'weblog entry'.

Susan was left baffled by her predicament but luckily her workmates displayed their lightning-speed problem solving skills and suggested that we fold the documents in half and place them in A5 envelopes. To which Susan asked:

"but won't that cost twice as much to post?"

In Susan's fragile mind, the documents were now heavier because they were inside a smaller envelope. We tried to explain that a decrease in area doesn't bring about an increase in mass. She was, of course, unable to grasp this and after several attempts to explain the logic behind her question she accepted the reality. That evening as we discussed it in the pub, it was apparent that she still hadn't actually figured it out in her own head but was simply taking our word for it. I still think even now if she could she'd try to prove me wrong over this, but sadly both logic and physics think Susan's a twat so they still stubbornly side with me on the issue.

A Note to my Friends

2006-05-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that by writing this blog I am gaining myself a reputation for being a sinister, untrustworthy figure. Following a conversation I had at the weekend, I would like to point out to people reading this, whom I know, that I am NOT writing a blog about you- you can open your mouth without fear of cyber-ridicule. You're just not interesting enough. Unless you're Susan and you're reading this. In which case the good news is that you're interesting. The bad news is everything written here except that last sentence.

Sorry, no Susan story today you idiocy-whores. Tomorrow...

Cookery with Susan

2006-04-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

One morning Susan explained that the night before, she had experienced a craving for a milkshake so bought some Nesquik powder on her way home. When she arrived, she made her drink and settled down in front of the television to watch whatever asinine shite keeps her amused; but couldn't understand why her freshly made beverage tasted so disgusting.

Let's see if we can use our Poirot-like investigative minds to ascertain what Susan may have done wrong. Let's have a look at that word again, shall we? Milkshake. Milk Shake. The clue of how to make it is very much in that first syllable.

Behold, Susan! Inventor of the Watershake!

Susan's Geography Lesson

2006-04-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today's entry is a multi-chaptered tale of stupidity so you'll have to keep up, but rest assured that by the end you may understand this enigmatic figure slightly better.

Susan has a friend who is cycling to Germany. This confuses Susan:

How can he cycle to Germany, I thought there was sea between here and Germany?

Apparently she had asked him whether he was flying, to which he replied 'no'. The average person would, at this point, have used deduction to work out which mode of transport he would have used to cross the English Channel. Not Susan. Susan's brain simply couldn't get past the question- how does someone cycle on water? Until she figured it out:

Oh, of course! He's going from London!

Please take a moment to let this question sink in. I had to, and I feel it's a question that is worth taking time to savour. See- felt good didn't it? I then explained that the English Channel lay south of London, and that her friend would presumably be taking a ferry or train to France and then he would be able to complete his journey by cycling to Germany. Susan, not missing the opportunity to broaden her knowledge then asked me:

Is Germany the only place you can get to from France without crossing the sea?

At this point I had to explain what continents were. It is probably worth noting that at no point during this did she feel patronised.

Susan on Sexuality

2006-04-14T02:56:00.000-07:00

I once quizzed Susan on gay people. Some of you may be gay or know gay people. You may have wondered what maketh man (or woman) gay. Depending on how bigoted you may be, you may have considered- a defective gene, a close relationship with the mother, or exposure to Judy Garland at a young age or you may just not really consider it a question that particularly needs an answer- gay people simply are- deal with it. Well you fools, you are of course all wrong. Susan hath spoken.

Gay people are gay because they haven't met the right person of the opposite sex yet.

I appreciate this will come as an enormous relief to any of you younger gay or lesbian readers who have been struggling with your own feelings and the pressure involved with coming out to friends and family. Likewise to any who have suffered repeated prejudice as a result of their sexuality.

If you wish to give any meesages of thanks to Susan, leave a comment and I'll be sure to pass them on.

In The Beginning...

2006-04-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

So before we can discuss Susan's nuggets of insight, I must first introduce you to when I realised she was pretty special. We went down the pub after work and were having the kind of the post-work chat that gets progressively more interesting the more drinks are consumed. We were chatting about evolution, to which Susan revealed "oh I don't believe in all that". Susan, it transpires, believes in creationism.

Since I suspect no-one is currently reading this, you (the reader) are essentially fictional and as such I appreciate that some of you may be fictional Americans. This creationism idea may seem less wacky to you because you have met people who believe in it, or indeed you yourself believe in it. But in England, even the priests I've known have taken a rather pragmatic approach to the Old Testament (please note the use of capital letters for out of respect for my fictional creationist reader) and appreciate that a lot of it and Genesis in particular are allegorical.

This isn't in itself a display of stupidity but merely religion-inspired ignorance which is of course entirely subjective. Over the following weeks I tried to push her on this, and the truth of the matter is that she doesn't understand the basic principles of evolution- she can not get her head around a process taking millions of years- an ape isn't a man therefore evolution is a lie. Therefore in her eyes, to believe in evolution is a matter of faith rather than common sense.

Which on the one hand ably demonstrates her stupidity but on the other it means that her position on it is that I'm a fool because I believe anything I'm told, unquestioningly.

Needless to say, the irony was lost on her.

Introducing Susan

2006-04-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

Names of corporations and individuals have been changed to protect the stupid. All other events or pieces of idiot wisdom are absolutely true. From here on I shall refer to my colleague as Susan. When I first met her I knew she wasn't that bright. I didn't have a problem with that. I am not the kind of person who 'doesn't take fools gladly'. I don't mind fools- in fact I generally get on very well with them as they find me interesting and, being a rampant egotist, I believe this to be a most appealing habit which makes up for the fact that I don't have to pretend to be interested in them. However, when they have no redeeming personality traits then suddenly you start having dark thoughts. One of which is "I want to start a blog dedicated to exposing her moronic fucking mutterings to the world so that the world can mock her in unison".

I realised that every time Susan spaketh I immediately reported this to friends and family. This led to the idea of making her stupidity immortal via the internet.

I'm tired from thinking too much about her. In my next entry I will introduce you to the day I realised that Susan was not simply 'dizzy' but proper thick.