A Withdrawal Request in Anticipation of the Monthly Statement

Hello followers of the Cult of Susan. Today's lesson from the Book of Stupid is a tale not so much of lack of intelligence, but of ignorance of social etiquette. This parable of preposterousness harks back to when Susan had only been working here for a few weeks (please remember this fact, as it will add to your appreciation of situation described). A chap from our IT department was popping out to the shops to pick up a sandwich. For the purpose of this story we shall call him Nick. Since I'm making up names I could go crazy and call him Theodore Jacuzzi or something similarly ridiculous but I feel it would fail to suspend your disbelief, so Nick it is.

Nick kindly asked us if we would like anything from the shops since he was going anyway. After taking a few orders for sandwiches of various types, he came to Susan. Susan had brought her lunch with her so she was fine, but there was something she needed from the shops:

"Yes, can you get me a box of tampax classics please?"

Now I'm a man of the 21st century. I don't believe menstuation is God's punishment for the sins of Eve and I know we should be at a stage in mankind's social development where there's nothing embarrassing about that time of the month when ladies are closed for maintenance. But asking someone in the IT department to pickup tampons- that is weird, isn't it?

The Cold War

As I've gone to great pains to tell you- Susan is annoying as well as stupid. Last week we had, what was at that point, the hottest day of the year. Have you ever worked in an office with no air conditioning? To be fair you don't need to have undergone the trama in all it's sweat-stained glory to understand the experience.

Suddenly I notice it's getting hotter at a frighteningly exponential rate. The windows are closed, but that doesn't quite explain. Wait a bastard minute, the fucking fan heater's switched on. Naturally, for a warm-blooded creature, I turn it off.

"Don't do that I'm freezing" she said.

"What? That's absurd. It's steaming hot in here" I explained.
My other colleague concurred by sweating profusely.

At this point an argument broke out that involved thermometers, swearing, and the managing director coming downstairs to explain to Susan that if she was cold, then she was possibly ill and to seek immediate medical attention. Or shut the fuck up. Incidentally I'm paraphrasing. This ridiculous scene ended in Susan wearing the jumpers of various people.

The next day the temperature was exactly the same. Susan wasn't cold.
The only conclusion I can come to is that her brain is so useless it can't even interpret the messages sent to it by her senses, and she mistakes heat for cold.

Another One-Liner

Susan, upon listening to a welsh-language answer phone message:

"Do they have own language in Swansea or something?"

She's Evolving...

I think she's starting to figure it out when she's saying something stupid. I'm sure I just came within a hair's breadth of her admitting that she thought that there was dolphin meat in a can of tuna. Her behaviour afterwards suggested she knew I was prying and she quickly withdrew the comment.

I think we may be witnessing an important step in her evolution- self-awareness. Even if it's only self-awarenesss of how dim she is.

Got Milk?

I know I said that I wouldn't get involved in entrapment, but sometimes I think Susan needs some inspiration and I'm happy for history to judge me as her muse as she achieves immortality. To that end I've been stupid-fishing. The other day as I was making my coffee, I started pondering the subject of long-life milk and what they do to extend milk's famously ephemeral existence. Some of you may already know why and think I'm stupid for not knowing*. Perhaps you can start a website mocking me? Anyway, I thought I would put my question to the oracle, and as i was bringing the tea and coffee in I asked if anyone knew. Susan did.

Apparently the reason long-life milk is so, is because...

"it's to do with the carton"

Brilliant. Of Course it is. Please explain, Susan

"well, you know how cereal is kept fresh in the box, it's the same with milk"

What Susan is saying is that the carton being sealed is what stops it from going off. I don't know whether she thinks that other milk cartons have holes in. Sometimes I can't hope to understand, and all I can do is document.

*for those who also don't know- long-life milk is, as I'm sure you're aware, also known as UHT milk, UHT standing for Ultra-High Temperature. They heat the milk up to a very high temperature over a short period of time (1-2 seconds) thus killing some of the thermoresistant spores that pasteurisation doesn't. It's then placed in sterilised cartons. So I guess it is to do with the carton. Shit.