Cookery with Susan

One morning Susan explained that the night before, she had experienced a craving for a milkshake so bought some Nesquik powder on her way home. When she arrived, she made her drink and settled down in front of the television to watch whatever asinine shite keeps her amused; but couldn't understand why her freshly made beverage tasted so disgusting.

Let's see if we can use our Poirot-like investigative minds to ascertain what Susan may have done wrong. Let's have a look at that word again, shall we? Milkshake. Milk Shake. The clue of how to make it is very much in that first syllable.

Behold, Susan! Inventor of the Watershake!

Susan's Geography Lesson

Today's entry is a multi-chaptered tale of stupidity so you'll have to keep up, but rest assured that by the end you may understand this enigmatic figure slightly better.

Susan has a friend who is cycling to Germany. This confuses Susan:

How can he cycle to Germany, I thought there was sea between here and Germany?

Apparently she had asked him whether he was flying, to which he replied 'no'. The average person would, at this point, have used deduction to work out which mode of transport he would have used to cross the English Channel. Not Susan. Susan's brain simply couldn't get past the question- how does someone cycle on water? Until she figured it out:

Oh, of course! He's going from London!

Please take a moment to let this question sink in. I had to, and I feel it's a question that is worth taking time to savour. See- felt good didn't it? I then explained that the English Channel lay south of London, and that her friend would presumably be taking a ferry or train to France and then he would be able to complete his journey by cycling to Germany. Susan, not missing the opportunity to broaden her knowledge then asked me:

Is Germany the only place you can get to from France without crossing the sea?

At this point I had to explain what continents were. It is probably worth noting that at no point during this did she feel patronised.

Susan on Sexuality

I once quizzed Susan on gay people. Some of you may be gay or know gay people. You may have wondered what maketh man (or woman) gay. Depending on how bigoted you may be, you may have considered- a defective gene, a close relationship with the mother, or exposure to Judy Garland at a young age or you may just not really consider it a question that particularly needs an answer- gay people simply are- deal with it. Well you fools, you are of course all wrong. Susan hath spoken.

Gay people are gay because they haven't met the right person of the opposite sex yet.

I appreciate this will come as an enormous relief to any of you younger gay or lesbian readers who have been struggling with your own feelings and the pressure involved with coming out to friends and family. Likewise to any who have suffered repeated prejudice as a result of their sexuality.

If you wish to give any meesages of thanks to Susan, leave a comment and I'll be sure to pass them on.

In The Beginning...

So before we can discuss Susan's nuggets of insight, I must first introduce you to when I realised she was pretty special. We went down the pub after work and were having the kind of the post-work chat that gets progressively more interesting the more drinks are consumed. We were chatting about evolution, to which Susan revealed "oh I don't believe in all that". Susan, it transpires, believes in creationism.

Since I suspect no-one is currently reading this, you (the reader) are essentially fictional and as such I appreciate that some of you may be fictional Americans. This creationism idea may seem less wacky to you because you have met people who believe in it, or indeed you yourself believe in it. But in England, even the priests I've known have taken a rather pragmatic approach to the Old Testament (please note the use of capital letters for out of respect for my fictional creationist reader) and appreciate that a lot of it and Genesis in particular are allegorical.

This isn't in itself a display of stupidity but merely religion-inspired ignorance which is of course entirely subjective. Over the following weeks I tried to push her on this, and the truth of the matter is that she doesn't understand the basic principles of evolution- she can not get her head around a process taking millions of years- an ape isn't a man therefore evolution is a lie. Therefore in her eyes, to believe in evolution is a matter of faith rather than common sense.

Which on the one hand ably demonstrates her stupidity but on the other it means that her position on it is that I'm a fool because I believe anything I'm told, unquestioningly.

Needless to say, the irony was lost on her.

Introducing Susan

Names of corporations and individuals have been changed to protect the stupid. All other events or pieces of idiot wisdom are absolutely true. From here on I shall refer to my colleague as Susan. When I first met her I knew she wasn't that bright. I didn't have a problem with that. I am not the kind of person who 'doesn't take fools gladly'. I don't mind fools- in fact I generally get on very well with them as they find me interesting and, being a rampant egotist, I believe this to be a most appealing habit which makes up for the fact that I don't have to pretend to be interested in them. However, when they have no redeeming personality traits then suddenly you start having dark thoughts. One of which is "I want to start a blog dedicated to exposing her moronic fucking mutterings to the world so that the world can mock her in unison".

I realised that every time Susan spaketh I immediately reported this to friends and family. This led to the idea of making her stupidity immortal via the internet.

I'm tired from thinking too much about her. In my next entry I will introduce you to the day I realised that Susan was not simply 'dizzy' but proper thick.